Joke Press Releases.

Just Having Fun.

In recent months someone has been having fun at the expense of journalists who are either too busy, or (perish the thought!) too lazy to check out the press releases which came to them. Here’s a few which have come my way.

Press Release

The Green Traders Association

24 June 2003

A group of traders in the Grafton St. / Nassau St. area of Dublin have

called for a minimum speed to be introduced. The group estimates that more

than 100 million euro is being lost annually due to ‘slow walking’. The group

“The Green Traders Association” is comprised of retailers from Stephen’s

Green, Dawson, Grafton and Nassau Streets as well as from the smaller

streets in the area.

“It gets especially bad in June”, said a spokesman, owner of a business on

Nassau St. “People can’t out to buy lunch, or to meetings. Once the tourists

arrive, no one can get up or down the street, it all grinds to a halt. These

people may walk like this in their own country, but they should be informed

that the people of Dublin are not on their holidays.”

The group has also called on Dublin City Council to introduce a network of

‘speed cameras’ for pedestrians at busy junctions such as the bottom of

Dawson St. They suggest that the Mandatory fines would be imposed in order

to decrease the amount of ‘semi-loitering’ which is taking place.

“In London’s Oxford Street, they are proposing a series of lanes to move

pedestrian traffic along, as there are increasing amounts of pavement rage

from pedestrians trapped behind dawdlers.”

“We’re officially asking Dublin City Council to do something about this, as

it is impacting business and driving people to out-of-town centres. We don’t

want to see Dublin developing the ‘do-nut’ affect of major American cities

where the city centre is dead and ringed by large mega-malls.”

More Information on the Oxford Street approach

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/1049698.stm

And another:-

Subject: interesting story…

keep up the good work…

Mysterious underground tunnels under Clontarf

Excavation work on the Dublin Port Tunnel has uncovered mysterious

underground tunnels in the Clontarf area. Surveyors on the project have

stated that the network of tunnels which stretch for several miles are too

deep to have been an old sewerage system and are obviously man-made. The

tunnels were uncovered late last week and are currently being mapped and

investigated by archaeologists from Irish Antiquities Division of the

National Museum of Ireland and surveyors from Duchas.

The construction company in charge of the project remains tightlipped but

speculation is rife in the Irish historical community. According to Fergus

McLinden, an archaeologist at Queen’s University Belfast “We’re guessing

wildly here as we haven’t seen the shafts and tunnels yet but they may have

been old mines of some sort. They’re quite deep underground and hewn out of

solid rock”

“As to what else they could be, we have no idea. There were no major British

military installations in the area so they’re unlikely to be escape routes.

There is also some speculation that they may have been connected to the St

Anne’s Park in Clontarf, but they seem too expansive for that.”

Local historian and politician Barry Ahern had an alternative theory to

offer. “Clontarf Castle was originally an important Knights Templar

preceptory, before they fell foul of the Inquisition. This was after they

were famously rounded up on Friday the 13th, 1307, thus giving birth to the

superstition concerning the date of Friday the 13th. What makes all of this

particularly interesting is the local legends in Clontarf concerning hoards

of buried treasure and valuables that the Templars may have secreted in the

area at that time. No-one really has any idea what could have been buried by

the Templars. Nearly everything has been suggested from hoards of coins to

important documents and religious Templar artefacts. Some have even

suggested that Clontarf could have been the last resting place of the Ark of

the Covenant…”

Meanwhile further tunnelling is being carried out at a slower pace in case

further tunnels are uncovered that may collapse or cause damage to the

drilling equipment.

This is not the first hold-up on the Port Tunnel project. In recent weeks,

contractors have had to investigate cracking in a house in Marino. CIE have

also complained about the tunnel causing movement in the railway line on the

main Dublin-Belfast line.

General Contents. .